in my
9/28 post, the one that finally closed the gap after my summertime blogging hiatus, i closed as i often do with a declaration about my pride when it comes to my ladybugs ... posting their 'first day of school' photo brought on the emotions. that momma bear feeling I have with my sweet ladybug cubs. i am just so SO darn proud of my girls - everything they do, everything they're made of, every fiber of their being - I just want to burst - they amaze me. who
are these incredible kids?! did i have something to do with that?!
that pride is a wonderful feeling because for me, being a mom was really my number one objective for as long as i can remember, i'm a nurturer through and through. as a little girl, i dressed up the family pets in doll clothes and smuggled them into my room for tea parties. as a teenager, my first jobs were those of babysitter and camp counselor ... and since I never outgrew those jobs, i grew up to be a teacher. so when the title of mother was gifted to me, I had arrived ...
as a young mother, i thrived ... the mommy and me classes, the crafts, the games, the songs, the tuck-ins at night ... and later, the carefully selected preschools and the agonizing decisions about grade placement for my ladybugs, both of whom straddle the cutoff date. filled with energy and enthusiasm, those years were my glory days of motherhood. then there came the heartache when my youngest went off to kindergarten. my glory days were dimming. i had to start letting go. very tough for this momma bear. it was time to begin a different phase of mothering: the schedule management, the homework help, the long cold hours of waiting in the ice rink (or piano, or girls scouts, or ...), and constant consolation and encouragement as they start to navigate the social drama of being in those 'awkward years'.
but my momma heart is aching again. and it's more than the ache that comes with each september when the house gets quiet. another 'letting go' checkpoint is upon me. and taking that extra step back hurts. like the first day of kindergarten all over again. the reality is that i now have a 7th grader - a returning middle schooler who has it all under control this year. who has a great posse of friends and an increasingly independent social calendar. at 13, she's starting a time where her mom has far less influence and makes far fewer of her decisions. and i also have a 5th grader - in her 'senior' year of elementary school, she's ready to spread her own wings too. in short, these amazing girls that i once nurtured 24/7 are taking the natural steps toward independence. which, although i know it's exactly the goal, still pulls at my heart. because
loosening the grip of my protective momma-bear arms is not easy. but heartache or not, i have to step back and let them do more on their own. without hovering. without that tight bear-hug clutch i've perfected. damn these phases of parenthood. this letting-go nonsense is just. so. flipping. hard.
10 comments:
Thanks for putting a big old lump in my throat! You're so right...the phases are so darn hard. All of a sudden, they're not so little anymore...and we're left trying to learn a new mothering chapter. My husband often gives me that look like- let him "be"...which means give him some space...leave him alone! I'm trying...but it's so hard. Oh how I wish I could have just one more! Can you believe I never had that strong desire to be a mom. Now, I can't imagine anything life that is better.
lovely post! All stages are never easy. 16 and 21! yikes. I find each age just has exciting has when they were babies. Really! so much to look forward to has they grow up.
I can't stand it! The thought of my little ones being in 7th grade hurts my heart. I'm not sure I can allow that to happen! :)
This post made me cry. For you and your heart, and for my future with my baby. I've often described myself as a mama bear too! I find myself complaining lately...why can't Boyd brush his own teeth, why can't he get his own drink without spilling, why can't he get himself dressed, etc, etc. I need to stop and remember that I will miss this one day. It's got to be hard when they get so independent, but like you said, that is exactly the goal of raising our children. Why is it so HARD?!?!?! You are such a precious person, and one of the sweetest mamas that I know. Hugs!
Oh, those of us born to nurture find it so hard to let them grow up, huh???
You pour so much of your heart and soul into them, knowing in you head that they need to leave you someday, its just hard when that someday comes. . .you are never ready for it!
Oh, I hear ya, sister, I hear ya!
At least these little phases and trials prepare us for the days that we will truly be letting go...like college....etc. Oh my! Flippin hard yes!!!
Let me tell you, from one a little farther down this road than you are, it gets no easier, just harder and harder until they leave.
It's the untold crappy end to being a full-time mom.
ditto to what jen said above. i hate to say..it doesn't get easier. I LOVE how much you love mothering. :) the world needs more moms like you sloan!! puppy yet?? :)
Wow!! that's really all i can manage to say!...for a minute!:) You so prefectly described me! (If i may be so bold as to share your description)How did you do that??:) The joys and sorrows all wrapped up into one beautiful complicatred package...motherhood!! The life-long desire to be a mom and then finally achieving it, that's another similarity of ours my friend! I still think we may be twins seperated at birth...we are both from FL ya know!!:)
Letting go is so hard, and mine are only 9, 7 and 2. Learning to bite my tongue and say way less then my instincts tell me to...that is tough! I can't imagine the road ahead...so glad you are paving the way (have I said that before??) for me.
I know I was called to do this job. This beautiful crazy job! And so glad i have another lover of motherhood to share it with! You are a beautiful, beautiful mom!
have a happy day sloan and thanks for such a wonderful post!!!
Sloan, So well said. I have moments like this too, a moment here and there almost every day, but lately I've been relishing their independence too. They are so much fun. Seeing who they are becoming is beyond amazing. Enjoy the journey my friend.
Dana
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