the evolution of a ladybug

So many times in the early weeks of 2011, I was mulling over a 2010 'reflections' post ... and my thoughts always came back to my big ladybug because the amount of change and growth she experienced in 2010 was truly mind boggling.  And that was only the beginning.  A total transformation is underway - the evolution from girl to teen. She hasn't gone through this much rapid change since she was a baby growing into a toddler ... physically, emotionally, socially, developmentally - just like when she was a baby, I swear she changes overnight.   And she's light years away from where she was only a year ago.  Ah, the magic of middle school.

Do you ever sit at an all-school school concert or assembly and watch the older kids as they file in and think to yourself "wow, that's only one year ahead of where my kid is?  They look huge!"  Well, I do.  And starting in 5th grade last year (and continuing into this year), I've noticed that the distance between just one grade is getting wider than ever.  A 5th grade girl seems 2 years younger than a 6th grade girl and likewise a 7th grade girl seems 2 years years older.  I remember thinking at this time last year that I'd better buckle up for the ride.  I knew that big changes were upon us ...



Yet as much as I thought I would be, I truly was not prepared. First and most obvious, the physical changes - she's grown 3 inches in height and now stands just over 5 feet tall - what?! With such quick growth, her weight has yet to catch up - barely 80 pounds with all her clothes on - soaking wet.  But in spite of her slender build, there's no denying the physical signs of puberty are knocking at the door ... her hips have widened to the point where she can no longer pull on her pants without unzipping first - and of course, double-layer camis are as basic as underwear.  Indeed, changes are afoot ...

The fragile emotional evolution was another aspect I wasn't quite prepared for ... one minute she's feeling like she belongs and has friends she can count on - and the next minute she's feeling like a social pariah.  The social piece of puberty seems to feed this emotional hormonal roller coaster.  It's classic Queen Bees and Wannabes.  But big ladybug is neither the queen bee nor the wannabe - she just wants to fit in.  Somewhere right in the middle.  That's all she wants.  To be able to talk comfortably among her peers.  To feel like classmates will want to sit next to her.  That the other girls in her homeroom will be happy to see her each morning.  My big ladybug was born sensitive, she already felt things so deeply - so this new phase in her life is like pouring gasoline on the fire.  She hurts so much when she hears a group of classmates laughing without her ... and she shines so brightly when she's included.  Oh the roller coaster of it all ...

As if the emotional price of being in middle school isn't enough, the developmental leaps and changes have caught me off gaurd too ... it broke my heart to box up her beloved American Girl doll and gear last Fall - since the stuffed animals had gone up to attic several months earlier, "Mia" had been the last sign of childhood in her bedroom.  There was a time when Mia had gone on literally every outing with her, every vacation, every event.  In fact, for big ladybug's birthday in 2009, right before 5th grade started, her only request was to take Mia to lunch at the American Girl Store.  And by the time 6th grade was underway a little over a year later, Mia was gone.  Remember the scene from Toy Story 2 where the little girl outgrows her Jesse doll?  It happened exactly like that - Mia was big ladybug's Jesse.  These days, my big ladybug is listening to pop radio and choosing from an assortment of lip gloss and wrap bracelets each morning.  She struggles to choose her clothes and has been known to change her outfit several times before leaving her room.  Long gone is the little girl whose doll was her best companion ...

Such is the evolution that I am witnessing.  Before my very eyes, my big ladybug is growing up.  Magnificent, painful, joyous, heartbreaking, and amazing all at once.  For both of us.  If she ever reads this one day, I want her to know how proud I am - she's handling it all with so much grace and patience.  My heart literally aches from an abundance of love for her - now more than ever.  She amazes me every day.  And makes me prouder than she'll ever know.