thank you ...

I could sit here writing all morning long and still never come up with the right words to thank everyone who rallied to help me after my meltdown 18 days ago.  You guys put so much reflection into your words as you commented - so much support - so much kindness - so much encouragement.  And then the vigilance ... folks coming back after 2 weeks of silence to check in and make sure I was ok ... in short, I am blessed with some really amazing friends here in blogland and I can't thank you enough for the life-ring that each one of you threw out to me ... I truly mean it when I say thank you ... thank you so much ...

My silence was never meant to be this long, but I really needed to take a step back.  My pace had been way too busy and the hamster wheel I was on in Jan/Feb/and early March had begun to spark flames - and I just plain ole' burned out.  Fortunately for my sanity, our school uses a trimester system - and the 3 trimesters are divided by two 2-week vacations, one at the holidays and the other in March.  Mercifully, their 2-week March Break began the day after I posted "freaking out" ... cue the sound of a deep yoga breath.   Every March, I leave with my girls for their 2-week break and go home.  My home.  Home to Florida to be with my mother, my brother and his beautiful wife and baby, and our amazing 91 year old grandmother.  When I arrive, I take that deep yoga breath and know in my heart that I am truly home.  I smell it, I feel it, I love it.  And it seems as though my little ladybug does too ...

When we go each year, it isn't about the sunshine, the beach, or the tourist attractions (though I admit those are some pretty sweet perks!).  It's about being home, plain and simple.  We sleep late - we run errands - we ride bikes - we hit the mall - we go to the local hole-in-the-wall for dinner - all in the comfort and familiarity of being "home".  No better prescription for filling your heart!  Every day as we zipped around town, we passed the hospital where I was born, the house I grew up in, the church I attended, the school I went to, the canal where I collected my pet snails, the 7-11 where I got my slurpees - heck, even Doc's, the soft serve ice cream stand, is still there ... how wonderful is that?  Very wonderful, let me assure you ...

image from here

Unfortunately, it seems to get harder and harder each year to say goodbye.  Booooo.  But indeed my heart is replenished.  We came back on Friday and used this whole last weekend to get settled before this morning brought the hamster wheel back into motion - so at least we're off to a strong and balanced start for the final trimester!  I took a look at my blog feed as I sat down and see that I've missed quite a bit around here - 18 days have produced a whole lot of updates from everyone - wow!  I'm looking forward to catching up with you guys, my bloggy partners, my peeps, my friends ... thank you ;-)

freaking out ...

I had lunch with my bloggy-turned-real pal swooper last week and we, of course, got to talking about blogging.  So much to say here.  We talked about the reasons we blog, blogs that we both follow, what we envision for our own blogs, privacy issues - so so much ...

I love her perspective because swooper and I have very different blogs.  Swooper is truly an author.  An author who has a very clever way with words.  Her stories and observations on motherhood and everyday life are hilarious - she sees the world with a very dry sense of humor, which I adore.  It's like being friends with Erma Bombeck.  As for my blog, it's simply a journal for me to jot down our happenings from week to week, because otherwise I'd forget (wish I'd been blogging from the start - I already feel as though so much of my ladybugs' childhood has been blurred by time ... deep sigh).  Overall, I've really enjoyed the journaling aspect of it - and, amazingly, a few folks out there in blogland must too because I've actually found friends along the way.  In fact, I've "met" some really wonderful folks through blogging, and if you're here reading, you're one of them!  I've enjoyed your conversation, your different perspectives, your sympathetic ears, your recipes and ideas, and the whole collaborative spirit among my tiny circle of blog friends.  It's what I love most about blogging, which is kind of funny because it's the one thing I never ever anticipated.

So what do I love the least about blogging?  For me, it's mainly the time factor.  Never enough hours in day, right?  Kim once said that she blogs as the result of being very good at "researching, gathering, and procrastinating".  Man, did those words ever hit home with me.  They are completely true of me.  It exposed a nerve that was already rumbling inside.  I am 110% guilty of being a champion procrastinator and yes, I'm also a noted researcher and gatherer as well.  Often to the point of paralysis.  But lately I'm noticing that the time I spend on blogs is at the expense of so much more - the emails I should be returning, the laundry, the bills, whatever.  It's become a procrastination tool for me.  Ouch.  A quick 'check-in' in blogland can easily turn into an hour of my time.  Or more.  And don't even get me started on how long it can take me to post something of my own, particularly if I'm linking up ... the editing process alone is a labor of love as I nitpick every. single. word.  And, oh yeah, the photos.  Oy.

So what am I to do?!  On the one hand, I love the friends I've found here and I actually wish that I had more time to spend on my blog.  With more time, I could have actually participated in the Joy of Love seminar I signed up for (doing 4 out of 28 assignments (and only posting 2) = fail).  With more time, I could really start to figure out the mechanics of blogging and design a great header and layout, and I could learn how to edit photos in Picasa or Picnik or whatever it is those of you with cool photo effects and fun headers do.  I could participate in more link-up parties (sorry, Jen D, I've missed your last 2 in spite of the great topics!).  Maybe I could even become more of an author à la swooper ... last week she reminded me that when we first met I had envisioned this blog as a place to vent about my "in real life" life in this often ridiculous small town of ours.  I once wrote about that vision here, but it turns out that finding the time to gather my thoughts and write them into story like that is just about never.  Because, after all, I have an "in real life" life.

Which brings me back to the other side of the coin ... the time I already spend here!  My god, the things that could have been accomplished in the same amount of time!  I've been struggling a lot with this balance lately.  Can you tell I've hit the wall?!  I have such a busy, crazy, overcommitted life as it is ... do I really have room for blogging in all of that?  Swooper and I also discussed a handful of other miscellaneous negatives as well ... issues like privacy.  Obviously, Swooper doesn't use her own name - nor does she ever post a single image of her kids - her brilliant words carry her entire blog.  Without my photos, my blog would be nothing - they're how I tell my stories.  But via blogging I now have photos of my kids in a public space on the internet and isn't that a no-no?  It's what our school is telling my 6th grader, anyway - and that even applies to password-protected sites like facebook!  I've heard a lot lately about photos being encoded with GPS info, so evidently a clever stalker could find us right here at the house if they wanted to.  Great.  Before I learned about encoded photos, my worst nightmare was receiving a hurtful or creepy anonymous comment - now I need to worry about nutcases showing up at my house?

Clearly, I'm overthinking.  And freaking out.  I go back and forth from wanting to expand my blogging all the way to wanting to take it all down and walk away.  Are these thoughts familiar to anyone else?  Can anyone talk me off the ledge or is my freak-out justified?  Bloggy friends, help a sister out!

weekending ...

Since you know from my last post how full our schedule's been these past 10 days or so, I'm going to reeeeally try my best this time to let go of the words and go totally Pam-style on this one ...

Aladdin ...
Stumbled through a few tiny but hilarious mishaps on Thursday's opening night.
Went off without a hitch on Friday night.
Ice cream Cast Party for the hard working middle school cast and crew.
Another great year for the drama group ...
Great first year, big ladybug!

(phone photo from afar - ugh)

Skate Show ...
 8am Dress Rehearsal
Opening numbers
Group routines
Closing numbers
Professional photographs
Quiet Saturday night (phew!)
Sunday sleep-in
Pancake breakfast
Showtime!

Big ladybug skates a Hannah Montana number with her glitzy purple group ...

Little ladybug skates a Lilo & Stitch number with her Hawaiian themed group ...

random sidebar: thank goodness for the Manbug snapping photos from the audience - otherwise I would have seen next to nothing, as I was a "group mom" in charge of getting 18 Hawaiian maidens on and off the ice at the far end of the rink (that equals 36 skate guards to get on and off each skate as they enter the ice - just in case you're wondering).  Sadly, the folks at the arena did not take down the hockey glass or netting (which you can see on our pics), but if that was the only bummer of the day, then things went well!

Roaring applause
Flowers and hugs
Smiley goodbyes
Another skate season has officially closed

Fondue dinner
Just Dance Wii
Sunday Sundaes
America's Funniest Home Videos
 Aaaaah, the sweet comfort of bedtime ...
What a weekend!

the perfect storm

Since posting last week, things have been a little busy around here.  I've inadvertently entered into one of those patterns of non-stop 'go-go-go' that many families thrive on day in and day out.  Us?  We prefer a quieter pace - we depend on precious downtime in order to stay afloat.  Beyond school and homework, a monthly Girl Scout meeting and piano lessons for the little ladybug plus club figure skating for both of them on winter Saturdays is about where we tap out as far what we're able to juggle.

But somehow this past week, my commitment to keep our schedule as uncommitted as possible has run amok.  It's been the Perfect Storm of events that have all come up at the same time - and our cozy routine is being bent way out of shape.  Repeatedly ...

• First of all, I took on a silly project that ended up being a much bigger deal than I intended.  A simple switcheroo in our 1st floor half-bath.  The plan was to remove the existing sink/cabinet vanity from the 70's (dreadful - why oh why did I never once take a picture?!) and put in an all-in-one replacement vanity I had purchased at Lowe's.  I thought my handy Manbug could do it, but it turned out the plumbing needs updating in order to connect.  And the plumber needs a carpenter to make a modification for the cabinet to fit ...  and I didn't have time to schedule all that, so the only bathroom on the first floor looks like this in the meantime ...

• Big ladybug is in her middle school's production of Aladdin - dress rehearsals have taken place every day this week after school (out the door at 7:40am, not home 'til dinnertime) and show dates are tonight and tomorrow night (so much for a school night bedtime) ...

• Little ladybug's 4th grade class has a monthly soup kitchen project as a community service component.  Our one assigned date in the entire year-long rotation of cooks and servers was also this week.  Then our volunteer numbers dwindled due to illness.  So those of us who remained needed to triple the recipe to make up the difference:

7 lbs italian sausage + 4 lbs mushrooms + 5 lbs ribbon pasta + 7 lbs tomato puree + 2 lbs diced tomatos = ....

30 lbs of dinner!

We cooked at home on Tuesday night, delivered Wednesday morning, and served Wednesday night - a wonderful and rewarding experience that we were grateful to be a part of.  It took a bit of extra juggling due to big ladybug's conflicting dress rehearsal schedule, but by 7:00 last night she was just starting her homework.  At a dining table in the soup kitchen.  Talk about being out of your routine!

• Also on my calendar this past week?  I was the 'snack mom' for big ladybug's drama group - all forty of them.  One assigned date in a 3-month rotation and naturally it was also ... this week!  Hey, at least it got me in the door - and I even got a sneak preview of the show while I set up ;-)

Up to this point, it really doesn't sound all that crazy - a busier week than normal, but still manageable.  In fact, it would be perfect if after Friday night's final show of Aladdin, we could just close the doors and say hello to a nice lazy weekend ... 

• But alas ... guess where we all need to be at 8:00 Saturday morning?  At yet another dress rehearsal.  At the ice rink.  Brrr.  Our figure skating season is wrapping up and the final weekend of club skating goes out with a bang: a full 2-hour recital on Sunday afternoon.  Saturday morning will require about 3 hours at the rink: makeup, final dress rehearsals, professional photos, etc. Here are a couple of pictures from last year's recital to give you the flavor:

By Sunday night, after my nervous breakdown is complete when we're putting the skates away and taking off that stage makeup for the last time, we will have had a 7-day non-stop run of go-go-go - a complete anomaly around here.  The ladybugs are bound to be whining and cranky exhausted, but I hope they'll also be basking in the glow of all that they accomplished in a single week: the soup kitchen, the school play, the skate recital - it's all big stuff and worthy of recognition.  But by Monday morning, with any luck, I hope the Perfect Storm is pulling out of our household so our regular quiet pace can return.  Ah, I can almost taste it ...